I have been… busy over the past few weeks so I haven’t been able to really keep up on this useless blog. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my relatives… and recovering from spending time with my relatives (It’s very energy consuming), and now i’m here :P.
One thing you should know about me is that i’m not the most motivated person. I have always had a problem with keeping myself “up to a task” so to speak. Even since a kid in elementary school. It’s so easy for everyone to just “get shit done” and set their mind to something… and for some strange reason, that is nearly impossible for me. As a result, I’ve been struggling my entire life to even want to live any life at all. Luckily, I found my friends through Big Brother Live feeds chat, and they showed me the ways ot Twitter, and now; I love Twitter, and I love the people I interact with. For the first time in my entire life, I don’t hate people.
…But there are still some that get on my nerves, of course. Naturally i’m a person who expects the worst out of people. (I have trust issues because of a variety of things that happened to me in the past).
Anyways, staying on track of the “not motivated” thing; Here is my current state in life. I am 21 years old; I don’t have a real job, I don’t have any college degree, I just live with my Mother and my Grandpa. My Grandpa has a really bad case of Parkinsons disease and my mother and I do our best to take care of him… but it really drains us. Me, I’m just a naturally lazy person, so it’s hard for me to even get up and do something. It sounds pathetic, but it’s true. In contrast to that, my mom has a variety of health issues that prevent her from doing things without maybe hurting herself or just completely losing her shit.
When she “flips out”; guess who the target is? Me. I get told that she could “kick me out at any time”, and then everything wrong that is happening is my fault. I do as much work with this stuff as she does and yet I’m the one who’s lazy and entitled and she does “everything”.
I mean, I understand. She has been through a rollercoaster of fucked up things with my father and my sister (And myself, which i will get to in another post), and she’s in her late 50s, she’s overweight, she’s half blind… I SHOULD be doing more, but it’s just hard for me to see things through her perspective. That on top of my inability to motivate myself, makes it so I can only push myself to do so much work, and I feel so incredibly guilty about it.
In the same breath though, i’m not going to let her walk all over me. Whenever she attacks me, I defend myself. I’ve spent too many years with people walking all over me so I just can’t take it.
It’s a very awkward relationship between eachother. We know that we are all we have, yet we cannot stand eachother. It’s a love-hate relationship, with discord at best. I’m just afraid i’m going to do something that will result in the death of my Mother because i “stress her out” too much by just being myself.
It’s rough. It really is. She was literally yelling at me as I was typing this entire post. As personal as it get though, we eventually forgive eachother and likely fight the next day XD. It’s weird, and it’s draining. I wish things could be better.